I shared the Haruki Marakumi image with my boyfriend a while back in his journey. We were coming out of a tough period and I wanted to remind him that there were bright days ahead for us again. We’d made it through and together he could continue on his path to recovery and we would find a way back to “us”.
I stopped posting for a while; not because my situation changed I’m still in the same relationship with the same man. I stopped posting because I couldn’t find my words. My thoughts were there. The challenges of supporting someone in recovery (through good and bad days) were there. I just wasn’t able to communicate where I was in the process.
Until now, when I realized that saying wasn’t just for him, the storm would change me too. I’m learning to embrace the changes I’m happy with and face the pieces of me that didn’t change for the better. Reflecting on those negatives and working to get back to the old version of me.
At some point in the process my frustration bubbled over. Money stresses, the inability to sleep and then a family tragedy which had me trying to balance grief and concern for his sobriety brought me to a new low. I was tired, sad, scared and feeling lost. I’ve always been the positive and strong one and in that moment I just fell to my knees on my bedroom floor and cried. When I was done I felt an all consuming frustration with him like I’d never felt and I hated it. I wanted my love and support of him to be the “person I was” and the person running through my brain could not have been further from that and I cried harder. I was afraid that it had all become too much that I was changed forever and not for the better.
When I finally dragged myself off the floor I had a new overwhelming emotion to deal with, Guilt. I felt guilty for not being able to stay in control, for not being able to be as strong as he needed, as everyone needed me to be.
It took me a few weeks to regain my ground. I cried a lot. On my way to work, in my car and as I fell asleep at night. The worst part was he was there for me… like I had always needed him to be and I wasn’t able to accept it. I was frustrated and cold to him. I lost my strength to be what I needed first and that scared me and my way of dealing with it all was to shut down. He loved me through the bad days and I remember this single moment when he asked me “to let him back in” and it hit me that it was me who’s actions could destroy all that we had . I had worked so hard to hold on to this love and my walls were sabotaging our happiness. This could not be the new me, this change was not something I could let happen.
This plan was so easy to decide on but the execution was a little harder. I had to learn to communicate my past hurts. I had to learn my place on the other side of this storm. I had to learn to face my negativity and return my head and heart to who I was. Which led me back to this blog. Back to a place where vocalizing my journey and thinking “aloud” allows me to process all that my head thinks and my heart feels.
It’s not a New Years resolution, it’s just a straight forward statement that I want to stay me no matter what life throws my way; full of life, happiness and compassion for others. I’m grateful to have someone who can see me through my struggles with patience as I lost my way and love as I make my way back.
“Don’t let others pull you into their storm, pull them into your peace.”