Eye Spy… But I Don’t Want To

The act of finding things, investigating and playing detective were a part of most childhoods and the memories may still bring a smile to our faces. Who didn’t love Hide and Seek? Where’s Waldo? or Clue? I remember my Mom bringing out a box of Nancy Drew books that had been saved through the years, swapping Babysitter’s Club Mystery books with friends, and of course there was “Where in the World is Carmen San Diego” a computer game based on sleuth like skills to find Carmen and her henchman.

Now finding things and playing detective are a gut wrenching act by a person that doesn’t feel like me. It’s not a game I want to play and it definitely doesn’t bring a smile to my face. No matter what I find (or don’t find) the end result is the same; I feel terrible.

I’d like to start off by saying I am not proud to do this and my level of sleuth is not something to brag about like I may have as a child getting the next round finding Carmen in Paris after only two clues.

My search is based on unnecessary worry. I find nothing. I should be excited. He has continued to be stronger than his addiction and I am so proud of him for it. I am relieved that I find nothing but I feel like an utter ass for spying on him. He is an adult, my partner, and without a doubt the man I see myself sharing a life with. This is where it is my turn to put in the work. Trust is such an important factor in a relationship and after the road we’ve traveled on it needs work. However, I know it is not fair to expect him to make an effort to gain my trust but not actually give him the chance to do so.

Yes, there have been other times where my instincts said something wasn’t right and opening that one drawer or asking a few additional questions opened my eyes to the beginning of a relapse. But again, this is a me thing. I need to work to understand my “role” in all this. It is not my responsibility to stop him before he falls. He is the only one who can truly control this process and his path. This obvious doubt in him has the potential to do more harm than good if I make him feel like I am being critical and don’t have faith in him. I am not saying that I ignore signs and I am naïve to the world we share but I try to be thoughtful in my actions and approach. I made the choice to stay in this relationship and I need to show my other half the same respect I did before our struggles.

This blog is still new. I’m not sure the direction it is going in but I can promise you my thoughts are honest. I absolutely do not talk about compartmentalizing or learning to trust again as though I have mastered it. I talk about it because it is part of the battle I fight every day. I have my own path to navigate through this and although I proudly stand side by side with an amazing man my motivation in writing is to work through my journey and hope that sharing provides comfort or support to others along the way.

“Love is weak when there is more doubt than there is trust, but love is most strong when you learn to trust even with all the doubts.”

Photo Credit: Flickr – Kara Allyson


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