There are moments I’ve struggled with how to direct my emotions on this journey or even how to identify exactly what I’ve been feeling. I’ve been sad, scared, lonely, hurt, hopeful, happy… and then I’ve been angry. My anger has never been at the person I love but at the addiction and oddly enough at the drug. I realize the drug is an inanimate object and it must seem foolish that my anger is targeted there. But that “thing” has stolen so much from him, from me and from us.
Trust. The only secrets and hard moments of distrust in our relationship will always be tied back to “it”. I’ve never questioned his love or loyalty when I was looking healthy him in the eye. I know who he is when he is clean and day by day I will make an effort to trust again.
Happiness. This may seem dramatic. I don’t mean we were never happy and I am lucky enough to be able to say if we kept track on a calendar having marked days with smiley faces and frowns the smiles would far out way the frowns. Like trust I have no doubt as we continue on the road to recovery together and he finds happiness, we will only have days filled with joy again.
So, here’s where the thief just makes me angry. We can work on trust, this path to health will bring our happiness back but we will never get the time we’ve lost back. Time. Time is what “it” has stolen that angers and hurts me the most. Holidays apart were devastating, the days where something important had happened and I just couldn’t wait to share while seeing his reaction felt lonely. I missed my partner and best friend. Of all the times I wish I could have back I missed all those basic days together the most. The simple way we started our mornings in this pattern that perfectly avoided each other’s routine while interacting sweetly. I missed walking in after work directly to his arms, dinner together or bad television and the couch after a long day. I found that the most common moments missed were what made me the angriest. I just wanted all of our time back and this thing he struggles with stole that from me.
I do realize how selfish I sound. It has stolen this time from us, but it stole hours, days and even months from him. I also realize I just took the time to rant at an item that will never feel remorse or comprehend my hatred towards it. But simply put “it” stole from us and I will forever hate “it” for that. I only hope as he works towards recovery and our future he finds the same hatred for this thief.
“Time is free, but it’s priceless. You can’t own it, but you can use it. You can’t keep it, but you can spend it. Once you’ve lost it you can never get it back.”