While writing this title the tune of duck, duck, goose chimed in my head. I seek lightness in all of this. I find myself being sarcastic in moments where it’s completely inappropriate but it’s my way of escaping for just a second. The truth is duck, duck, goose is a game, and this is our lives…
One of the hardest mountains for me to climb on our journey is learning to trust again. It’s new to me. I’ve been lied to before. I’ve had secrets kept from me, white lies and even some gut wrenching moments of after-the-fact truths, but I’ve never loved anyone enough to stay. I’ve always seen that as my time to walk away.
I can’t help but feel like my title is yelling at me while I write this. LIE. LIE. Truth. It haunts me in a way, reminds me of the compromises I make by being in love. I’ve never been good at lying. I’m actually horrible at it and I hate it. I’ve always expected those I love to have enough respect for me to be able to tell me the truth. People in my life who showed this to be difficult never really lasted, they couldn’t. I become someone different when I lose trust. A shell of the all-in best friend, girlfriend or person I was in the relationship. I seek answers, become inquisitive and in the spirit of being truthful I become someone no one would want to spend their time with. So before losing myself because someone else didn’t care enough about our relationship to be truthful I’ve walked away.
I’ve posted before about compartmentalizing. I guess in a way I am trying apply that here; to separate who he is in these “bad” moments. It’s not hard to know the man I am in the presences of. If he’s looking at me with shining blue eyes, that feel warm and safe. If he’s loving, appreciative and feels like I’m home when I am in his arms; he’s clean and he’s all I ever want. On the other hand when he is using his eyes are dark, his temperament cold and defensive, and every other statement out of his mouth is generally a lie or at best a half truth. This version of him belongs to something else. It may seem strange to separate these versions to anyone who hasn’t cared for some one facing addiction. I would have to guess it’s hard to understand. Like I am making excuses or letting him get away with things. In full honesty I guess in some ways I am, but the version of my partner that I love makes standing by the other version as he heals worth it to me. As he is learning how to be healthy and happy after his struggle, I am learning too…
So what about now. How do I let myself be fully in this as he fights that “something else”? How do I act like a loving girlfriend and not build a wall to protect myself? All I’ve come up with is day by day. I wake up making a conscious effort to not question him, to give him the chance to help rebuild the trust his lies and “something else” damaged. I’m not perfect and I guarantee I’ll have bad days but I continue to hold out hope that just like his addiction will have one last bad day, that one day I won’t even need to make an effort to trust him again. I just will.
“Forget what hurt you in the past, but never forget what it taught you. However, if it taught you to hold onto grudges, seek revenge, not forgive or show compassion, to categorize people as good or bad, to distrust and be guarded with your feelings then you didn’t learn a thing.”
-Shannon L. Adler